7 musical products to help you survive the Mayan apocalypse

Although NASA may deny it, let’s be honest:  recent world events point to the impending destruction of our planet, not least the satanic alignment of Carly Rae Jepsen, Girls Aloud, and the guy off of X-Factor as Christmas Number 1 contenders. Below you will find Red Dog Music‘s survival guide: the musical products you need to stock up on before the Mayan grand cycle of evolution culminates on 21st December 2012…

Tanglewood TU6 Surf Blue Ukulele

Nothing says “end of days” more than a surf-blue Ukulele. The Tanglewood TU6 is cheap and cheerful, and playing George Formby numbers can fend off even the most determined lizard overlords from space. It also doubles as firewood for those long, dark days and nights under the ash cloud.

Chord PH50 Analogue Phaser Pedal

“Set phasers on stun”, ordered Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Although we couldn’t find the “stun” setting on this pedal, according to no less reliable source than the BBC, phasers can be used to “interfere with the tiny electrical charges that control victim’s muscles” meaning it might come in handy when you’re being approached by a horde of subhuman zombies.

Korg Monotron Delay Pocket-sized Analogue Synth

Ever wondered how they made those woooeee woooeee noises in old sci-fi films? Possibly with one of these: the Korg Monotron Delay has analogue circuitry that can make all sorts of alien communication sounds, plus built-in delay to make it sound extra spooky. It may come in handy when the gravitational, magnetic, and solar energies of the planet go awry causing an array of natural disasters to wreak havoc across the known world.

Boss VE5 Vocal Processor

“Suddenly a sound like that of a violent rushing wind came from heaven, and it filled the whole house where they were staying. And tongues, like flames of fire that were divided, appeared to them and rested on each one of them. Then they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in different languages, as the Spirit gave them ability for speech.” – Acts 2: 2-4

Want to know how they did that? Almost certainly with the use of a vocal processor of some sort. The Boss VE5 offers a massive range of vocal effects from reverb to harmony to Pentecostal glossolalia. It also has the added bonus of resembling a spaceship remote control transportation device, which always helps.

Orange CR3 Micro Crush Mini Guitar Amp

When the war to end all wars comes, and pestilence and disease ravages the land, you will need a bright orange miniature guitar amp to 1. get the right tone from your axe, and 2. provide a beacon alerting loved ones of your location in the darkest of nights.

sE Electronics RFX Reflexion Filter Mic Shield

Although unwanted room ambience will probably not be a major concern as fire rains down from the heavens, a sturdy shield could come in handy. The lightweight sE Electronics RF-X can be used on pretty much any mic stand and offers protection from bad acoustics and hell-fire (Please note: hell-fire protection not guaranteed).

Focusrite VRM Box Headphone Monitoring System

Nostradamus himself foretold that 2012 would herald the arrival of the third anti-Christ:

From the sky will come the great King of Terror.
He will bring back to life the King of the Mongols.
He will cast forth from the sky many
Inaccurate headphone monitor mixes,
And yay shall there be great wailing and gnashing of teeth.

The Focusrite VRM Box will protect you from the scourge of the King of Terror by providing you with acceptable headphone monitor mixes while fleeing the apocalypse. Phew!

 

We hope you appreciate this round-up and will continue to use us for all of your musical equipment buying requirements following the apocalypse.

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Guitar-plucker, piano-tinkler, sonic-mangler, Red Dog Music-owner, lion-tamer, and Weetabix-devourer. One (or more) of these is a lie.

3 Responses to “7 musical products to help you survive the Mayan apocalypse”

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  1. Tom says:

    Haha. excellent bro. Let’s shred till we’re dead!

  2. lee says:

    “according to no less reliable source than the BBC” LOL .
    intentional ?? still ! very funny
    great article.

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