These days, you can’t move for frequently asked questions. Everyone has an FAQ section. Including us, and we hope that they have been useful. However, how many of your favourite retailers of musical instruments offer answers to infrequently asked questions?
Fortunately, we’re here to help. Here are some of the music and music technology-related questions that we don’t think come up that often. They may in fact have never been asked before.
How many units of rack space do I need to transport a 1:1 scale model of Toulouse-Lautrec?
35. French painter and illustrator Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec was 1.52 metres tall and 1U of rack space is 4.445 cm in height. A quick bit of maths tells us that the colourful character of late 19th century Paris was 34.2U tall, so you’ll need a 35U case. This assumes that the figure is wearing flat shoes and is not wearing a hat.
I am putting together a 1980s-style rock band with influences such as Van Halen and Def Leppard. Do I have to wear ridiculous trousers?
I will be setting off on my world tour soon and have a few concerns about my gear. I know that I’ll need some power adapters and transformers, but, other than making sure that everything gets the right voltage and I can get the plugs to fit into the wall, is there anything else I need to think about?
Good question, and an important one: you don’t want to damage all those sensitive electronics. Lucky you asked, as you do need to consider a few more things. Perhaps the most important thing to bear in mind is that North America and Australasia use bigger electrons for their electricity. As each electron still has the same charge as a European standard electron, that means that the same amount of electricity takes up more space. Gear that uses a kettle lead should be fine, but equipment that uses smaller power connectors may have to be retro-fitted with larger connectors so that enough electrons will fit. Actually, wait, all of that is completely untrue. You should be fine.
I am in an early nineties Seattle grunge covers band and need to describe how much anxiety, despair, frustration and melancholy is in each song. Is there a standard unit of measurement?
Yes, indeed there is. The accepted unit for a mixture of lassitude, depression and solicitude is the angstrom.
What type of bass guitar will make me the coolest, most attractive and most-standoutest person in the band?
I don’t believe that bass has yet been invented… (sorry, but we need to keep some balance!)
I’m interested in a Roland V-Piano Grand and want to know how much it weighs. However, as I was educated mostly through the media, I don’t understand pounds or kilograms and can only appreciate weights and dimensions of things when they are compared with everyday objects such as giraffes, double decker buses and football pitches. Can you help?
Yes, we can. A Roland V-Piano Grand weighs about the same as 1550 average male Syrian Golden Hamsters. Give or take a few with their cheeks stuffed full of sunflower seeds.
I am a male brass player in a well-known orchestra. I am quite attracted to one of our semi-regular guest conductors, is there a line I can use to break the ice?
Try, “My horn dances to your tune”.
And that covers our first batch of infrequently asked questions. No more must we be slaves to only being able to find the answers to the stuff that everybody else wants to know. You are not a number!