1 – “That sounds great, but could you try playing this totally different thing?”
It’s not like they spent any time or effort coming up with something special, right? You’re just being honest. It totally sounds better your way, right?.. RIGHT?!
2 – “We’re not playing that set any more. We wrote new songs. Didn’t you get the email 2 hours ago?”
Everyone likes new songs, it keeps things fresh! Maybe just a little bit more notice next time, yeah? Maybe a band discussion about it? Possibly?
3 – Turning your volume up a tiny bit after every song.
Yeah. We noticed you. Stop that. This is why you’re not allowed nice things.
4 – Never having cash when it’s time to pay for rehearsals.
Every single week? Are you kidding me? No, I don’t want all the loose change and fluff from your pockets. GIVE ME FOLDING MONEY.
5 – Turning up late. To everything. Every. Single. Time.
Do you have some sort of disease that makes it impossible for you turn up on time?
We even developed an elaborate system where we tell you a time 2 hours earlier than when we need to arrive. You’re STILL an hour late.
6 – “Do you have a lead / plectrum / stand / strap / guitar I could borrow? I forgot mine.”
Once? Fine. Fair enough, everyone’s been there.
Twice? No biggie, but sort yourself out, yeah?
Seventeen times? You do own a lead, right? It’s a pretty essential part of being in a band, you know? No, you can’t use the one that goes to my effects pedals. Why? Because GET YOUR OWN LEAD. That’s why.
7 – Replacing their takes once they’ve left the studio.
That’s fine, don’t worry. I didn’t want to be on this record anyway. It’s not like it’s been funded with band money I helped makeOH WAIT YES IT IS.
8 – Not responding to band communication, then complaining that you don’t know what’s going on.
Oh, you didn’t get the email about this new song? Oh, you got it, but you just didn’t read it? That’s fine, we’ll just spend an hour of paid rehearsal time for you to figure it out. Why is that vein popping out of my neck? Oh, no reason. No reason at all.
9 – Unplugging your equipment when it’s still plugged in to a PA at full volume.
Oh, no no, that’s fine. I didn’t need my hearing, anyway. Maybe you’d like to shove a corkscrew into my ear canal while you’re at it? Cheers, mate.
10 – Putting your drink anywhere near anyone’s equipment.
Yeah, sorry I kicked your pint over, mate. How stupid of me not to see it right beside my effects pedals at the opposite end of the stage to you. My fault entirely…
11 – Tuning at full volume.
You know how to turn on the mute mode on your tuner, right? Cool. Ever thought about actually doing it?
12 – Drinking 5 pints before you hit the stage.
Oh, you think you play better when you’re “well lubricated”, do you? You don’t.
You’re just too drunk to realise you’re out of time and playing in the wrong key.
13 – Playing while people are trying to communicate in rehearsals.
Don’t worry, I love hearing the solo to “Stairway…” when I’m trying to figure out a cool bass line for the song we’re actually playing. It’s not putting me off at all.
14 – Changing parts of songs at the very last minute.
I don’t mind sticking a key-change in the last chorus, but to guarantee we all change to the same key why not tell us more than 90 seconds before we get on stage? Y’know… Just a thought.
15 – Insulting the sound guy.
So… You turned up late, drunk and with the wrong equipment… but it’s the sound guy’s fault you sound terrible? Right. Yeah. Calling them a jobs-worth isn’t going to help, either. Keep quiet and let us do the talking, yeah?
16 – Insulting your audience.
“Thanks, you’ve been a terrible crowd” – Nice work. Do you think they would have been a terrible crowd if they’d been watching The Who?… or Bruce Springsteen?…
Or any pretty decent local band?
17 – Controlling everything. All the time. Always.
Okay, Putin. Is this a rock band or the Soviet Armed Forces?
Chillax, mate. I was just seeing if it sounded better on the hat or the ride.
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