Government announces guaranteed income for musicians

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Politicians understand music

In a shock pre-election announcement, the leaders of all political parties have today announced that musicians will be paid a decent wage for the work that they do.

“We recognise that musicians perform a unique role in society, bringing joy and meaning to our otherwise empty lives. As such, they should be given the time and money required to practise their art”, said the Prime Minister.

Details of how the payment will work are still being discussed, but one idea floated by the Chancellor of the Exchequer is to pay per note played, meaning shredders could be in line for footballer-style 7-figure salaries.

Composer John Cage has, however, strongly objected to this means of calculation.

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Audience neck brace

Another suggestion is that audience members be fitted with specially designed neck-braces to accurately measure exactly how many neck hairs are standing on end, and hence the level of joy that has been generated.

Meshuggah fans have complained that this will make effective moshing very difficult.

In a further statement, the Prime Minister took the unprecedented step of adding “we realise that our unremitting focus on the economy is driving the world into a shallow, money-grabbing pit of despair. Who cares about progressive fiscal strategies and balancing potential long-terms risk of deflation with the associated economic boosts from lower oil prices when you’re rocking out to Back in Black? I certainly don’t.”

The Deputy Prime Minister was quick to distance himself from the Prime Minister. “I’m more of a Metallica fan”, he said, contorting his hand in a poor attempt at the devil horns gesture.

If you’d like to apply for the government’s guaranteed musician’s income, just fill out the APR1/LF0-0L form here.

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