Red Dog Music | Oct 9, 2018 | 0
Musician jokes – the ultimate list!
As musicians, we’re always wanting to have a laugh at the expense of other musicians. It is with that laudable goal in mind that we give you the Red Dog Music ultimate list of musician jokes!
To try and make sure that you can quickly find the right joke to put the right musician in their place, we’ve broken the list up into crafty sections.
We want this to turn into the interweb’s ultimate repository of musician, producer and engineer jokes. As we stumble across some good ones we’ll add them to the site. And of course, if you want to add your favourites in the comments, we’ll add them to the list!
What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
What’s the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
“Mummy! Mummy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!”
“Now Johnny, you can’t do both!”
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just steal somebody else’s light.
What’s the difference between a guitarist and a bank bond?
One will eventually mature and earn money.
What’s the difference between a guitarist and a bassist?
The guitarist gets students and the bassist gets gigs.
How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb?
None. They hold the bulb over their head and the world revolves around them.
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: one to change the bulb, one to kick the ladder out from under her, and one to say, “I knew it was too high for you, dear.”
What’s the difference between a Porsche and a Soprano?
Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.
Why do you find backing singers waiting outside your house?
Because they never know when to come in and if they do, they can’t find the right key.
What’s the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door ?
The knocking speeds up.
How do you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer will drool from both sides of his mouth.
A drummer, sick of all the jokes, decides to become a guitarist. He goes into the shop and asks the shopkeeper for a gold top Les Paul with P90s, a marshall 100 watt valve amp, an angled 4×12 cab, a Rat distortion pedal, Vox wah wah and a 20 foot guitar lead. The shopkeeper says: “You’re a drummer aren’t you?” The drummer says: “How the f*** do you know that?!!” The shopkeeper says: “Because this is a butchers”
What is the difference between God and a drummer?
God doesn’t think he can play the drums
What’s the difference between a drummer & a drum machine?
You only have to punch the rhythm into the drum machine once.
What do you do with a horn player that can’t play? Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist. What do you do if he can’t do that? Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.
Bass player jokes
What do you throw a drowning bass player?
Did you hear about the bass player that was so upset about his terrible timing that he threw himself behind a train?
What are the three most difficult years in a bass player’s life?
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Why are violist’s fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don’t have to retrain the cellists.
What’s the difference between a Lawnmower and a Viola?
What’s the difference between a dog and a violinist?
A dog knows when to quit scratching.
Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.
Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
Brass and woodwind jokes
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
Tuba Player: “Did you hear my last recital?”
Friend: “I hope so.”
What’s the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
What’s the definition of a minor second interval?
Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.
What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
On or off
How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
How are trumpet players like pirates?
They’re both murder on the high Cs.
What’s the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.
Did you hear about the guy who left his accordion in the back seat of his car in a dodgy neighbourhood? When he returned, he was horrified to find his car window smashed and two accordions in the back seat.
What’s the difference between an accordion and a lawn mower?
If you put both on Gumtree, you could sell the lawn mower.
Welcome to Heaven, here’s your harp.
Welcome to Hell, here’s your accordion.
Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run.
What’s the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Producer and engineer jokes
Why did the compressor go to hospital?
Because it had a hard attack.
Why did the compressor go to the physiotherapist?
Because it had a soft knee.
How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Sorry, mate. I don’t do lights, just sound…
How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to ask the tape-op to do it
What is the difference between a producer and a chimpanzee?
It’s scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.
How did the engineer take his reverb unit to the studio?
On the auxilliary bus
How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, two, one, two.
General music and musician jokes
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was
Barenboim, Levine and Mehta all went down in a plane crash. Who survived?
What do you call a musician with a college degree?
How do you become a millionaire as a jazz musician?
Start with two million.
A ‘C’, an E-flat, and a ‘G’ go into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
What’s the difference between a rocker and a jazzman?
A rocker plays 3 chords in front of a thousand people, a jazzman…
How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until it(‘)s Bill Withers.
A hurdy gurdy is so difficult to tune that hurdy gurdy players spend half their time tuning their instrument – and the other half playing out of tune.
What’s the most geometrical boy band in the world?
Euclids on the Block.
What’s the difference between a glockenspiel and a xylophone?
I can’t marimba.